In Canada

My favourite memory from one Canada trip with Belle. It's simple. It's sweet. We laughed for hours.

Walking back to our hotel, Belle points out a large sign in front of us: LIQUOR AND SPIRITS 40% OFF
She screams frantically, "SALE ON BOOZE! RUN!!" We started running as fast as we could toward this sophisticated little booze shop. We got Mike's Hard, Absynthe, 42 Below Vodka, and a baby bottle of Crown Royal. Just because we could.

When there is a sale, you run. Not walk.

New Native Name

I went out to the lake last summer with a friend-we'll call her May. We were all alone until three native American boys came to our little cliff spot to the right of the main beach.

"Hey girls." One of the three said. We respond back with a wave. "So, are you two together like together or just here hanging out as friends."
We were so dumbfounded by the questioning of our orientation we burst out laughing, "Just friends guys. Calm down." We were keeping to ourselves when the tall skinny one started talkin to me. Just random questions, wanting our names, where we live, just random curiosities any stranger would ask as they were sharing a water spot. We found out they of the Nez Perce people. The chubby guy about my height started running and jumped off the highest cliff, landing with a big splash. The younger boy ran off and did the same.
The skinny one, still trying to strike up conversation asks, "why don't you jump off?"
Ha. Me? Heights? You're joking.
I laugh and shake my head no.
"You?" He asks May.
She just shakes her head, trying to avoid conversation.
"C'mon, it's fun, watch I'll do it." I follow the guy up the land and around to the grassy cliff. I go to the edge and look down. In reality, it's only about a nine or ten foot jump. In my mind, it goes on forever and I'd have a ton of uncomfortable air time.
He jumps off, surfaces, and gives me a smile.
"Do it, don't be a pansy." Says the chubby one.
"Dude I'm such a pansy! I can't do heights." I say.
"De-pansify yourself!" The skinny one in the water calls up.
He comes out of the water, runs to my side and grabs my hand. "We'll jump together, okay?"
I shoot May a look. She just smiles, shrugs, and rolls her eyes. The chubby is conversating with her further telling her she should.
I look down again. " On three okay?" He says. I walk away. It scared me.
"Oh c'mon!" He follows after.
At that moment, I grab my balls, turn around, and run as fast as I can off the cliff. The boys in a frenzy, cheering. I surface and smile. Chubbs calls out to me, "Hey, your native name is now Big Balls. Prove yourself worthy by jumping again, and I shall give you a new native name."
I didn't even care about the name- it was so wonderful to just jump! Finally just let go. I ran up to the cliff again, doing the same routine, and just jumping instead of waiting.
I surface and Chubbs calls out to me.
"I have your new native name. It shall be Bigger Balls." All the boys laugh, May too. "Bigger Balls!" "Bigger Balls!"

That's how I got my native name from the Nez Perce peoples.

Reason 1 Why the south is King

I'm just a little lady from Mississippi- somewhere RIGHT next to the Gulf. Moved to Montana, went on a Christmas roadtrip with family to see Mema. Mema is King.

We drove for days and days. Finally getting out of that van, stretching my legs, feeling the great moisture of the humidity on my skin, I felt I was home. I walked into a gas station and here's where the fun began.

Let's compare. In the north, you walk into a gas station, no one talks, you get your shit, you go. If there's someone about to come through the door as you leave, usually you be the nice one and let them through first, without a peep, then go on out minding your own business like nothing ever happened and you were never there.

In the south, let me give you just ONE incident.... I get an icecream bar- friggin hot there, even in 'winter time'. Walk up to the front counter, big 'ol black woman makes instant conversation. "Oh how you doin' baby?"
"Just fine thank you, and yourself?"
"Oh I tell you what, it's hotter than hell out there, mmhmm. That icecream bar looks reals good. Imma have to get me one-a-them when I get off workm mmhmm- oh my word child, where'd you get your nails done?"
I look down at my florescent orange nails.
"Did them myself."
"Shoot girl, those look wonderful! I tell you what, you ever need your nails done, I have a cousin that does wonderful..." before I knew it, I was explaining why I couldn't get my 'nails did' by her cousin because I was on a family trip and I was explaining my life story. So was she- from Oklahoma. All of this happened within a matter of three minutes tops. We do it quick and right in the south.
" Well baby, you have yourself a good'n you hear?"
"Yes ma'am."
I'm exiting the store when I see two guys on the other side of the glass. Both look about my age if not only a couple years older, one wearing a Carhart, the other some plaid and coveralls, both in cowboy boots and hats.
You see, in Montana-Wyoming- they're a pack and anything in their way is disposable. You move or get moved.
In the south, here's how things get handled by REAL men...
We step to the door about the same time, the boy in the Carhart opens the door our his way, and BOTH boys step to the side, clearing a way for me.
"Thank you boys."
"Yes ma'am." They both say.
LADIES IN TEENS OR TWENTIES- WHEN HAS ANYONE YOUR AGE EVER SAID "YES MA'AM" TO YOU? When you're in the south. Boys don't have any manners in the north for women. Men in the south do. Mmhmm. I think I might have blushed a little and smiled. They waited until I was funny exited before entering.
"Hey boys!" I heard the cashier say, greeting them in.

Boys in the north- take it from the Men in the south. Use your manners, win over ladies. This whole "Imma hump everything with a vagina" thing is only in music and boys in the south that get no action but disease infested action. Be a man. Not a boy. Man. Boy. Man. Boy. Learn the difference.

720

I've always had this thing with the number 720. It's been everywhere. Time. Answers to math tests. Even on detergent boxes. I've grown to love this number. It means absolutely nothing. It's a collaboration of symbols we made up.  But I find significance in them. It's a lovely number. That's all.

Yellow Hummer

This past December, I took a roadtrip with my family to the south. That was a mistake.

On the way there, we met up with some friends in Denver. The kids were about half my age. They played this game called "Yellow Car". How you played was every time you saw a yellow car, you'd call out YELLOW CAR and smack the person next to you. It was rather annoying, but you had to join to be the smacker and not the smackee otherwise it became really annoying.
I usually wasn't paying attention, hence I knew this. All the time YELLOW CAR! Smack! You could add up points every car. Then there were yellow hummers- the god of all yellow cars apparently. You get three points for each of those. Us older chaps- me and my brothers- decided to bullshit our own spin on the game. Calling out random yellow cars and hummers just to add up points. Then started the surprises.
The car would get quiet then all of a sudden "Woah did you see that?" One of the younger ones would bite. "What? Where??" One of my brothers would usually do the trick. "It was a pack of yellow hummers! Over there!" They'd look all over and never find anything of coarse.
On our way back to the north, we stopped at an Olive Garden. On our way out, this was my time. My time to prank the ones that have done it so much they didn't think they were capable of being got!
The Olive Garden was right next to the freeway. We were walking to the car, me, my brothers, mum, and my older brother's gal at the time.
"OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT!" I screeched.
"What?! What!?" They were frantic as if a crash happened, seeing as how I was pointing to the freeway in the evening sky.
" A WHOLE FLOCK OF YELLOW HUMMERS!" I smiled really big.
It took them just a couple of seconds before everyone burst out laughing.
"That was pretty good."Said my older brother. Never thought I'd hear that coming from him. It was glorious. I had pulled the biggest yellow hummer prank.

Ohhh caaanadaaa! PT 2

Where were we... ah yes. Just got back to the hotel, ready for a full night's rest...Well. As good of one as we can get- we knew we'd be walking that day. As poor kids, we'd be walking everywhere- including seven miles to our first destination at the Calgary Zoo.

We got up, and set out for some lunch. I loved that town. Love that town. so busy, everyone out and about, so festive. I miss it. Anywho, we find a nice place. "Dude we're eighteen, let's get drinks." Belle smiled at me.
I'd never had a drink before. I wasn't like everyone else in high school. Didn't really have the want or need for it. Aside from the fact I never had access to it but that didn't bother me one bit. I just looked at her with an unsure look. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Sounds like an adventure."
We walked in and clearly didn't fit the move of the place- bright dresses, all prettied up for the big town, full of adventure. Everyone else, mostly men mind you, were dressed like.... well, like anyone in the city would be i suppose. Blending in with their grays and blues and dark coloured clothing. We took a high top next to a window. It was beautiful and sunny that day. Our waitress came over, smiling at us. "Hello ladies can i get you anything to drink while you're looking at the menu?"
"Long island iced tea for me." Belle says. She looks at me.
"I have no idea." I giggle.
"Do you have anything fruity?" Belle asks.
The waitress thinks. "Not really, this is more of a guys bar." She smiles. As if we hadn't looked around.
"I know what to get you." She smiles again and walks off.
We exchange looks, shrug, and start looking at the menu again. I don't even remember what I ordered that day. I just remember the drink. The drink that started a wonderful craving for a wonderful taste.
She brought out our drinks, Belle sipping her's immediately in delight.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Vodka, 7up, and raspberry flavouring."
I took a sip. Wonderful. Not everyone can remember their first drink. Not everyone cared. I'll never forget the sweet, cold sensation with the aftertaste of something musky. Mmm.
We left there and went to the liquor store.
After that we set off for the zoo. We walked to that zoo wide-eyed. The city life so wonderful. When we got to the zoo we were there four hours and didn't even get to see everything it was so big. Our legs hurt on the way back. We stopped at a second hand store and got sweet vintage clothing. Then stopped at a swimsuit shop to get some board shorts to go swimming at our pool. 
We swam around for a little while. A long while. The water felt marvelous on our tired legs.
"I wanted to go to the bar tonight. There's one attached to the hotel." She said.
"Okay, I'm game." We walked out a little while before that happened. Across the street there was another bar we walked by that day. "I hope she knows she doesn't match." A woman said from what we now call The Insult Box. It was a bar that had windows you could sit at to view the street.
Belle laughed at her, looking at my red plaid shirt, orange pants, and purple shoes that day.
"Man, eff that ho!"
We were getting hungry, so we finally decided to hop in the camero and go eat at a Hooters. I'd never been to one of those either.  We ate, drank merrily, and tipped the waitress in loonies and toonies in a picture. I had to drive us home hehe.
We sat at the room for only a short while and headed down to the bar.  A quiet little place. "Want to go to the insult box?" Belle asked. We walked across the street and sat exactly where the lady sat before. We decided to make it our compliment box and yell compliments to people outside the window to counteract the insults earlier. Also random comments like " THE HYPOTENUSE WOULD HAVE BEEN SHORTER!" Good times.
Whilst commenting people, three boys walked by. They chatted, then walked in and sat with us at our compliment box. Ivan was the tallest of the three and sat next to me. A bald german. He shaved it all off he told us. He was our age. The other was a picture ruiner we found out later, and the other some skinny brunette boy that spilled his beer on me. He was the first to leave. The bartender came over to us and handed me an Belle a couple of shots. "This is for being the craziest Americans I've ever seen!"
We left the bar with the two remaining guys that night. Roamed the town, and ended up at another bar. It was about three in the morning by the time we got there- the doors closed after we walked in. It was a wild night at this bar. They were open hours later than they should have been and we even met some guy who called himself by the name of Skittles and two German models that asked for a threesome.
Lots of wild things went on that night but I don't feel the liberty to share them all via internet and only word of mouth.

What happens in Canada should stay in Canada.

Ohh Caaanadaa!!

This is probably my most absolute favourite story to tell. It's a long one, but believe you me, it's so worth it. Might even be two Blogs worth of writing. Before you read this, know that.... we'll call her Belle- is my best friend ever. EVER. This story is true and none is fabricated.

"Dude, what are you doing at the end of August?" Belle calls me up and asks immediately on a June afternoon.
"Nothing I guess. I don't plan that far ahead." I said. We had just graduated from high school and nothing else was on my mine but to get to college. Finally. I had planned a last trip with all of my bros from high school to go to my home lands of Mississippi, but those plans had fallen through. "Good! You're going with me to Canada to see Blink-182!"
Nice. Last time I was in Canada, I was with my family going to the waterslides. This should be rather interesting. "Okay!" I said.
"Good! I was hoping you'd say that! I ALREADY BOUGHT THE TICKETS!"
*FASTFORWARD*
She drives up in her pretty little maroon Camero. I hop in, and on our way we go. A seven hour drive. Getting to Canada was easy, seeing as how we lived only 40 miles away.  The roadtrip was great, just what I needed. Some bumpin bass for hours on end to go see some band I've never really listened to. *Shhh don't tell her* Then there it was. The most epic thing on the face of this planet- a ginger llama. She flipped a bitch in the middle of God knows where and pulled over on the side of the road. We went over to talk to it and pet it. Didn't seem to like me but liked the grass Belle was feeding it. We loved that damn llama and all its retardedness. It's effed up feet to its HUGE underbite that made it look really REALLY retarded with it's bugeyes. Oh yes. We loved it so much, that to this day we have friendship necklaces that she later made. Both matching with little llama beads.
Onward we went. Canadians smiled and pointed at us. They liked her specialized plates she had at the time, IPWNU. We finally arrived at Calgary, found our hotel, chilled for a little bit- then we were off. We were poor kids, so we walked everywhere.
WARNING: Unless you are in decent physical condition and CAN walk for HOURS, I don't advise what we did those days in Canada.
Anywhozers, we set off for the concert. Arrived early, but clearly not early enough. Such a LONG LINE! Her tickets were online, so we thought we were supposed to be in the express lane. Walked up there, waited a good 30 minutes, then found out we weren't. Soooooo we cut in line. As in the very front of the line. A girl behind us started bitchin and I just gave her a dirty look as if to say, try me.
No one wants to anger a ginger.
We get through security, and go straight to the tees and stuff. I got a sweet All-American Rejects tee, and she got a Blink-182 hoodie and tee. I heard All-American Rejects start. It was glorious. Tyson Ritter has the voice of an angel. I'll never forget the way he sounded when he sang "The Wind Blows". I think I jizzumed a little.
Anywho, we went in, found our seats... WE WERE IN THE VERY BACK AT THE VERY TOP! Oh heeeelllllls nah. The place wasn't even half filled yet. This sucked. I could barely see that gorgeous man. Plus the jackasses behind us were so amused with the fact that Belle had a damn tattoo on her back. Annoying.
Ohh yes we SO moved up. Not even just to the front of the balcony- we moved UP- as far as we could get forward without being in the VIP crowd. No one was there to check us. We just kinda moved forward when no one was looking. Was there for All-American Rejects. Was there for Fall Out Boy- and again, when Patrick sang Dance, Dance, I think I changed my undies.
Oh yes. That means exactly what you think it means. So exciting.
Then finally- what Belle had been waiting eight years to see- Blink-182 was getting set up. She was super stoked and I was happy for her. Hell, here I am, and still haven't seen my favourite band ever after ten years of support.
Then it happens- two wenches walk up like they got something to own "Uhm, these are our spots." Belle and I just kinda shrug and start conversing amongst ourselves. "No really, these are our seats. You must be mistaken." I could tell by the tone that either daddy didn't love her, or loved her too much because she her whine was ever so unattractive and the snottiness in her voice was enough to make me wanna brawl. "We can all fit." Belle said. The stupid little wankers turned and went to get the po po on staff. "C'mon up here!" This guy said above us, sitting in a big booth just him and a few of his pals. "We'll party with you!" He said, and pulled Belle and I up. "Thanks!" We said, but the snitching wankers pointed us out at the same time we climbed up. The po po came over. They checked our tickets but couldn't quite make them out- Belle was smart enough before to realized it was on computer paper and smudged the shit out of it. "You'll have to get another ticket from the front booth." Said one. " Uh no!" Belle protested. " We paid good money for these seats!" What an actress.
They escourted us out of the stadium. We went to the bathroom and she started sobbing.
I don't mean pansy tears either, I mean don't go chasing waterfalls, because the river is flowing!
"I've waited so long to see them and now I don't get to." The band hadn't started yet but I felt it was close.
"NO!" I screamed at her, " I DID NOT TRAVEL SEVEN HOURS TO GET BOOTED OUT BY SOME STUCK UP BITCHES! YOU WANT TO SEE BLINK-182? WE'RE GONNA SEE THEM DAMNIT!" I grabbed her hand and marched out the bathroom, and into another entrance close to the front- about directly in front of the stage rather than off to the side like we were before. I saw a staff, and went up, "Stay here" I told the broken Belle. "Look," I proceeded, " We got booted out of our row down there, " as I pointed" and they told us our seats were over here and said you could help." I'm a good liar. It's so bad.
"Sorry but there's nothing I can do if I can't read the tickets. There's no extra seating down here." Ha! I CAN SEE IT WHORE! But all I said was, "Please, she's been waiting years to see these guys." The staffass shrugged and at about that time, Belle came running up " I found the other ticket! Here's one!" The staff looked at it, "oh in this row, right this way..."
I just looked at her. "How did you...?"
"I'll explain later." She whispers.
Perfect timing. The band comes on and I think that was the time that SHE needed some extra clothes- SO EXCITED!! After the first song she explained what happened.

"The guy I'm sitting next to saw me crying and asked why. I told him our story, and he gave me his ticket since they'd already seen him. That was his ticket that I handed to the lady. I asked him if he wanted me to pay him something for the ticket but..." she kinda looked at him and smiled a sec.
"He said he didn't take money and I'm pretty sure he wants something else in return."
Dear God. She sold our souls to the devil.
We rocked out, jammed out, and all the while, the greasy, long-haired, middle-aged guy sitting next to us was....sleeping while standing? Not sure. Pretty sure he was coked out. Whatever. But he finally woke one time and started talkin to Belle. I had to save her from this one- "WHAT?" I asked like I knew nothing.  He looks at me with a confused stare. "She said you were in on the deal or something, I don't know, talk to her!"
I looked at her confused. "No I didn't! I said you were with me! He wants sexual favors. We have to leave early."
Ohhh man. So the concert went on, and the dude said "This is our last one!" The lights went dark, she looked to him to see him sleeping or whatever again, "Go!" She said. I held onto her hand tightly, and we booked it up the stairs. We were about to the top when we heard "WAIT STOP!" I looked back and there he was, climbing after us.
"RUN!" I said.
We ran as fast as we could to the bathroom. "STOP! "He called after us.
Time for a quickchange. We took out our shirts and stuff we bought and changed into them. I put my hair up, she threw her hoodie over her head. I checked out- it was clear.
We ran to the doors we thought we first came into- "Sorry ladies you can't leave."
"WHAT?" We said.
"Not out these doors, they're locked. You have to go around.
oh.
We ran around, and out the doors, down the stairs, so hysterical with laughter. I took a picture of her in front of the Blink-182 sign. We began our journey back to our hotel. What a night. We were talking about the concert and about the creeper, when all of a sudden we hear running footsteps behind us and "Hey!"
No more nice ginger.
I turned around, put Belle behind me, fists raised "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"
"Woah woah woah!" This little skinny guy threw his hands up, and jumped back. "Sorry! Didn't mean to scare you!" He said in a drunken slur. "Well what is it?" I put my fists down. Wrong guy. This one was about early twenties with a wicked cut on his brow. "You know where the bar is?" He aked. "We're not from arou-" but before I could get it out, she interrupted me. "Go two blocks down and it's a block to your left." I looked at her.
"Thanks!" He said. And as if just realizing what we were wearing for the first time, "You guys went to the concert?!" We sighed. "Yeah."
"AND GOT TEE SHIRTS?!" I think this guy pissed himself.
"Yes."
"Yeah, I got into a fight and got kicked out." He was smiling and proud."Okay see ya."And we walked off.
"I have no idea where I just lead him, I just didn't want to talk to him!" We laughed and for giggles, went to see where we had lead him.
I kid you not- it was a place called The Bar. I'll never doubt her intuition ever again.
We got back and just chilled. What a night. Tomorrow was where more excitement was to take place. But that's for the next blog.