Black Sheep, Black Sheep, have you any wool?

Alright, I suppose every blogger does this in their miserable life, so I shall carry out this tradition. I'll try to keep it as interesting as possible. I'm going to tell you thirty random facts about me, assuming you don't know them by now... I always think of myself as an open book but it always appears someone is astonished by things later in life I always thought was obvious, or common sense. So. Close the window if you're not ready to know so much about your ginger or keep reading if you dare.


1. My favourite sandwich is still as it always was - Bacon, Banana, Peanutbutter. Grilled.

2. I do not like the military. For so many reasons. Though I always find that wherever I go, I house and take care of them.

3. I really. Really. REALLY. Don't like being touched. Unless I've known you for YEARS, ever notice me wince when you've tried to give me a hug? Rub my shoulders? Pat my back? Just don't do it. Yeah. That kinda does make me into a huge prude. Deal with it.

4. I have a kitty named Bacon Shaymus.

5. I was called Cherry Pie mercilessly in middle school. I even taddled. Got the dude in trouble. Became friends with him in High School.

6. I have a "Pants Optional" sign I painted in my living room, because I don't like to wear pants in the comfort of my own home, and don't think anyone else should either.

7. I strongly dislike electronics, credit cards, and cell phones, and won't use these "basic living essentials" unless completely necessary. Like blogging. Because I'm a funny bitch like that.

8. The more I mean mug you and cuss at you, the more I like you. Try not to get all asshurt about it.

9. I'm unapologetically attracted to scruffy looking men. You can keep the muscles, the fancy technology, and all that other shit women like...money?. I like em dingy with a nerdification in class, ya dig?

10. I love to see the look on people's faces when they find out I'm not a moron, just really happy. At the same time, it really hurts to see who always thought I was a giggly moron.

11. I like toes. rounded, painted, hairy, crooked, Asian, stubby... I don't give a flipper. I like toes.

12. I still noodle around on my bass, but really don't play as much as I used to, or as much as I should.

13. When in math classes, I pretend we are the last people on Earth to figure out the equasions given, and try to get the answer as quickly as possible so the world doesn't blow up. Doesn't take me that much time. Because I'm a nerdpro like that.

14. I gave a friend her first mo hawk with a pair of orange handled scissors... it was my first time too.

15. I've successfully stolen thousands of dollars worth of road signs years ago and sold them.

16. I think it's really stupid that the same people who tell me to be more sensitive about my language, (i.e. words such as retarded, queer, and fuckshit) are the same people that tell me not to be so sensitive about the subject of porn. Disgusting felchers.

17. If you press lightly with your nail on my ginger skin, it will instantly puff up. My back has been used as a human canvas to friends many times. The picture won't go away for hours...

18. I've had snakebites for two years now as of Thanksgiving weekend.

19. I love old people and I miss working at the care centers.

20. In high school, I successfully convinced everyone that I was afraid of the colour purple and one of my teachers even gave me a different coloured sheet of paper when purple was the colour of the homework assignment. It was a social experiment on my own to see who the tormenters were.  It went on for a good two years. You're all bastards.

21. I've never turned down a vaccum salesman. I always feel obligated to buy the vaccum. My mum stopped letting me answer the door to them when I lived with her. No really, it was pretty bad.

22. When I go to stores in malls with my best friend, we like to talk in Swedish and French and act like we're from the countries just to see if anyone ever asks where we're from. Only two people ever have and one asked us how to say "Motorcycle" in Swedish.

23. I just bought a clear vase so I can oil paint on it and put my kitchen utensils in it.

24. The colour of black/yellow/brown skin makes me all kinds of giddy when put next to mine... I very much enjoy the clash of colour... might explain my taste for the exotic man.

25. I really want a piano in my apartment. I miss playing.

26. I just learned how to make my Mema's famous chicken and oyster gumbo for Thanksgiving and now will carry out this holiday meal tradition for my years to come.

27. I really do enjoy running. I tell people that it's stupid because I hate running in front of people because my boobs are huge. I couldn't even type that out without laughing...

28. I think I want to be a coroner when I go back to college. Maybe a marine biologist. Maybe I'll just bartend for  few years. Either way, I know I won't have a set profession that will last the rest of my days but you can bet your ass, one day I'll be famous for something.

29. I don't think I've spoken more than ten words to my little brother since I graduated high school. The last time I saw him was the day before I left for Mississippi and I realized all I ever wanted from him was a hug. Stupid dick.

30. The curtains match the drapes. Deal with it.

Laugh At My Suffering. It's Funny.

I was walking down beach boulevard, needless to say, the highway next to the beach.  It's about one in the afternoon, maybe two. That's very vital information. Broad daylight. Seriously.

Everyone and their mother knows that all I do all day- all day long- all spare time- for enjoyment- is walk.  I walk everywhere; to the bank, to the grocery, to a friend's house (if I had any here in Mississippi, I might still do that to) and even when I didn't have a car, I walked abot forty-five minutes to and from work.  I don't mind it, and when I was living in small towns up north in Montana and Wyoming, I had no problem walking out at night until about three or four AM just because I had nothing else better to do whilst insomnia insued.

Since I've been back in a bigger city however, everyone fears the worst and is so damn certain that if I walk at night, I will get mugged, raped, or the latter. So, to calm their minds, I started taking walks after I got home from work or sometime after lunch. Damn pessimists.

For those of you not aware, I work graveyard shift as a housekeeper at a hotel resort here in the city.

Back to the story, yesterday I am walking home from my couple hours' walk, and every person I pass up, I come up with different scenarios as to what would happen if all the pessimists were correct. What would happen if the two gentlemen on the bench staring at me as I come closer are actually theives that want my ipod and headphones?  What if that old man sitting in the sand is actually some nasty old pervert wanting to jizz on my leg as I walk by? What if that woman in a stroller really doesn't have a baby in there, but an AK-47 she's just dying to try on a ginger talking by that dresses funny?

You get the picture. Rediculously rediculous thoughts. But you never know..

So as I'm nearing the lighthouse where I am to cross the street to head back to my humble abode, I see a black Pathfinder parked on the side of the sidewalk. As I walk closer, I notice the passenger window is open, and in the driver's side is a Mexican man in his mid thirties or so, and he takes a glance at me and I give a little smile back and am on my way.

I blow up this story in my head wondering if he's the kind of guy that would jump out of his car, bash me over the head with a beer bottle, and stash me in the jeep before anyone cared to call the police. 

No sooner did I think this thought that I saw a shadow out of my peripheral, and I immediately squatted down and protected my head letting out a small "WOAH BUDDY"...

I looked up to see a woman driving past on her bike. Followed by two children on their bikes. Followed by the assumed father. By the time I stood up looking at the children, I was already laughing my ass off at the tardass I just made myself look like, and the father was laughing as well, apologizing that his wife scared the piss out of me.

I kept laughing hysterically, because those that know me, know once I get started, I don't ever stop.... ever.

I told him it was alright and bid them a good day.  Twenty feet ahead of me, I sat on a bench to recoil my nerves.  A few minutes of out right laughter to myself and I got up once again to head home.

Right then, the Pathfinder pulled up, and the Mexican man spoke to me through the passenger window in his best English, " Need a ride to a place?" He smiled at me.

Now I really felt like a shmuch.

"No rita necessita, gracias." I said in my best Spanish.

"De nada," He replied, then drove off waving with a smile. 

I giggled to myself like a madman the whole way home. 

For the love of Baby Rays, don't tell an already delusional paranoid person that the world is out to get her. Just let me keep believeing the world is a safe place ;)

Going Away Party

This children, is a drunken story. It shall not be looked highly upon and all names are fake.. the story is real. This is what we call a bafoon children. Read on.

Nine in the morning. Three men say to a lady, "Lady! You gotta catch up with us! Time to start drinking!" Lady looks to the little Miss who is also present.
Miss shruggs.
"Lady! We're hungry! MAKE US FOOOOOOD!!"
Lady looks to Miss, "Like to come with me to get groceries?"

To the store they go and come back with ingredients to make spaghetti. Whilst the ladies were out, the men distracted their hunger by means of video games. Miss stayed in the living room with the men whilst Lady tended to the food.

Better catch up.... she thought to herself.

She lined up three shot glasses on the counter, reached into the fridge and poured Jager into all three. She emptied them, lined them up again, and repeated.

The Chocolate man looked up to see her downing the last one, "Hey! You're supposed to be doing those with us!"
"I'm catching up" she replied. "Six down, how many more to catch up?

"You did not just do six!" Said the Chocolate man.
"Oh yes she did" Said Mexican.
"We watched her," Said Miss.

Chocolate man poured another round. "This time, we take them together."

Chocolate man and Lady each shot one, and before Chocolate man could oppose, she did the third.

"BACK TO THE COOKIN!" She said excitedly.

This. Is going to be interesting.

Somewhere in the midst of cooking, she slinked into a mini skirt and her highest leopard print heels. "I wanna be pretty!!" She squealed with delight.

Now cooking in her heels, the men watched carefully, as not to have her break something. This was quite the show.

Once the Vodka Spaghetti was cooked, she dished it out to all her friends then a bowl for herself. "I want to eat outside!" She said.
"No! Said Roommate. "You know what happens when you go outside like this."
"I'll be good! I'll be good!" She screamed.
"We are going to regret this" Said Roommate.
He allowed her outside but only under his supervision. Instantly, "I wanna go for a walk!!"

"NO!" Roommate insisted. He put his bowl down on the porch,scooped her up, and had Chocolate man put her in the bedroom and locked the door.
Next thing you know, the Chocolate man is yelling, "GET OUTSIDE GET OUTSIDE!! SHE WENT OUT THE WINDOW!"

Lady escaped the room through her window, crawling in her mini skirt and still.... wearing the 4 1/2 inch stilettos.

By the time the men got out, she was running down the stairs and across the parking lot, laughing wildly as she went.

Oh wait you missed that- she RAN DOWN THE STAIRS IN HOOKER HEELS WHILST SCHNOCKERED. And we continue-

"But I wanna go on a walk! I'll be good! I'LL BE GOOD!" She plead
"Bitch you're screaming already." Said Roommate.
"I'll take her" Said the Chocolate man.
She squealed again, with delight.

she walked about 15 minutes away until they got to the beach. Then she took off running... same shoes.... through the sand and into the water.
She did not know the Chocolate man was afraid of jellyfish. She did not know she went too far out, almost past the pier.

"Get your ass back here right now Lady!"
She giggled, and tried to swim away in the barely 6 inches of water. Lots of sand was building up. Finally she stood up and began running away again, the Chocolate man trying to run out of the water in his jeans.

He was nice enough to let her wear his shoes home as he carried her's. His feet burning on the sidewalk. As soon as she arrived in the parking lot, she began running up the stairs and instantly into the shower. "Too much sand!" She was yelling and giggling and carrying on.


At about six in the evening, the Lady woke, chipper and uppity as ever. "Who put my clothes on me?" She asked as she walked into the living room.

They all just looked at her and the little Miss chuckled a little.
"Never again,"Roommate said, "never again."


So children, the moral of this story? Don't peer pressure someone who will make you regret it ;)