Blind Baby

My whole life, I've not been able to see much, if anything, out of my right eye. I never saw it as a problem.  I guess in the theory of you can't miss it if you never had it.  I was under the assumption my mother knew this about me, as I assumed it was the same for everyone. 

I always heard growing up that everyone had a dominant eye. Guess I didn't realize or even care to notice that didn't necessarily mean everyone was blind in one eye.

When I was younger, I remember doing eye exercises with my mum. I wore an eye patch over my "good" eye and followed her finger with my blind one. See, the doctors only told her it was a lazy eye. Said that the muscle needed strengthening and by doing the eye exercises when I was younger, it would learn to follow the other one. 

So now I have crazy independent muscle movement in my one eye.  They never said anything to her about my sight.

Even doing eye exams in elementary, I remember looking in the binoculars and they told me to look at the colour dots left to right, and the next row right after.

"Green blue blue, red yellow green, yellow yellow blue."
"No no, read them all the way across into your right eye hole too."
This time, when I was reading the colour dots, I put my left eye in the right eye hole to see the rest.
"No sweetie, read it with your left eye."
"I can't. I can't see it."

I remember the woman giving me a crazy look like I just told her I shit my pants or something.
She scribbled something on the paper and called for the next student.

Years later, when I was fourteen, I had an eye exam.  I hadn't had one in years but the doctors at the hospital insisted- I had a history of migraines. Once, so bad, that I ended throwing up stomach bile and getting two bags of fluid pumped back into me.  Wasn't until that little emergency visit that it was discovered it was the strain on my eyes. 

My mum signed me in and we waited until we were called.  I was checkin out the glasses that were lining the walls. I always wanted glasses. I was jealous of people that got to wear them.  Glasses for me are like shoes for most other women. Well. I do love my shoes, but you get the comparison.

When I was called into the room with the chair, my mum came in with me instead of waiting outside in the waiting room.  The doctor introduced himself, had a quick chat about when my eyes had been checked, and the problems I'd had. He turned off the lights and the exam began.  Starting with my left eye and covering my right, it was damn near perfect, reading the smaller lines with ease and without pause or strain.

Then he covered my left eye. A little squinting, as I always did in classes and church. Not that I could see anything even if I squinted, it was just a reflex.
"What's the smallest you can see?" He asked, referring to the chart.
"I can't." I said.
He changed the slide to something bigger. Nothing.
Bigger. Nothing.
"Well, this is the biggest we have for letters..." and he changed the slide to something that covered up the entire wall.
"I mean, I can tell it's a 'W' now, but it's not clear. it's still blurry."
He turned the lights back on and took the equipment away from my face. I saw it in my mothers eyes that she was mortified. I looked at her confused, remembering the eye exercises I did when I was younger. She knows this already. The doctor gets really close with some other equipment, staring into my eye.
He leans back, and hands me a black stick with a circle on it, " Hold this up to your left eye."
I did so, and he says, "Can you see how many fingers I'm holding up? Don't squint."
I stare for a minute. "No."
"Tell me when you can."
He comes closer and closer, and finally, "Well I can tell it's three but not that I can see it clearly."
"What about here?" He holds them right in front of my eye, almost touching my nose.
"Still blurry though I can tell you're closer.

"Well that explains your migraines," he says, taking the black stick away, "your left eye has been over compensating for your right. A lot. Glasses can help balance it out, though lenses wouldn't help your right eye vision. You'd need that corrected with surgery."

He grabs his writing things again, scribbles," I'll be back with more information about that. I'll send my nurse in with your prescription.

He leaves the room, and my mum looks at me, mouth gaping open. "Nicole.."
"What? Mum, I've had this my whole life. It's nothing new."
Tears well up in her eyes, "I didn't know you were damn blind! The doctors told me it was a muscle problem! No wonder you look at the floor when you walk around!"

"I thought everyone was like this? Doesn't everyone have a dominant eye?"
"Not everyone is blind!" I could see the panic of a mother.

Then she goes off about how it's her fault. Something about me coming out head up and my face gettin the shit beat out of it by her womb.

By that time the doctor has come back in, "Is everything alright?" Looking at my mum.
"I just didn't know she was blind. I would have done something before now."
He starts going on about corrective surgeries and the expenses and blah blah blah. I have it all tuned out. I was stoked I had the option of getting glasses. I was finally gonna be a cool kid.

Sarcasm highly noted. No child in their right mind craves glasses save myself.

My mum looks at me after he's done. "Well. What do you want to do?"
She was out of her right mind. I understand wanting to provide for your child, but those surgeries were out of the question. Far out of the budget.

"I've had these eyes all my life. I walk around just fine. Glasses sound good to me."
I could tell my mum was still upset that I didn't want more, but relieved I didn't.

"Okay, my nurse will take you out to look at some styles."

I jumped up out of that chair so quick. I instantly ran to the pairs I had been eyeing earlier.
"No," my mother said, "there will be no Drew Carey glasses in my house."
I was so bummed. So my first pair were little green wire frames. When I got a few years older I got some thick maroon square ones. Then I had my own money and there's been grey octagons, fire red rectangles, and fat ass black squares.. I still love glasses. And my migraines almost instantly dwindled to nothing as soon as I started wearing glasses at that young age.  I'll notice headaches now and again when I don't wear my glasses. My coworkers always fuss at me for it.

There have been other instances that catch people off guard that I'm blind.

In my senior science class, we were doing experiments with light and the dilation of pupils. A partner had to see how much the pupil grew when it was covered in complete darkness to when a flashlight was shined directly in it after. My partner did it on my right eye.

"Woah" He said.
"What's up?"
"It didn't move. Like it all. It isn't getting smaller."
"Oh, sorry. Didn't know that would happen. Try my left eye."
"Hey Teach!" He called over, "Check this out!" My teacher did the same experiment on my right eye. Same result.
"Oh. Did you know your eyes aren't responsive to light?"
"Probably just that one. I'm blind."
"Oh..."

Even at the DMV when I tried to get a Mississippi license. They wanted me to take an eye exam at the counter. Reminded me of when I was younger, "No ma'am, read it with your right eye."
"I can't. I'm blind."
"What in the hell you doin' drivin around blind?!"
"Been doin it since I was fourteen."
"You gotta have a doctors note. I can't give you a license!"
I started to walk.
"Wait wait I have an idea. Cover your left eye and try to read it."
Yes. Because had I known covering my left eye my entire life could cure blindness.

I stormed outta there.

And that children, concludes the story of why I have lived in Mississippi for two years and still have a Montana license.