Hot Men in Montana

Okay, So I used to work at a classy establishment.  Probably in the top few bests in the small town I lived in for a while in Montana.  I worked there for 2 years or so,  calling Keno games and after a while, waitressing. 

I worked with some awesome ladies that were about as shy as I was- not at all.  To keep the story straight between ladies, they were Nick, Charles, and Jules. (Because you know by now I don't use real names in my blogs.) Nick was a tiny little gal, 5 years my senior, and sweet as peaches. Don't let her fool you, you do NOT mess with her.  She keeps her man and all her ducks in a row, not a force to recon with.  Then there was Charles, a feisty gal who kept you on your toes and had your classic 'wise-guy' attitude with the senior gentlemen.  They got a real kick outta her.  Then there was Jules- the third comedian who liked to check out 'hot men' with me. 

Well, naturally, as all waitresses will, we would talk about our customers as they left.  " I liked them! They left a nice tip!" or, "Did you see him? Psh, check me out as I walk away, yeah I'll give you somethin to look at buddy!" and the list goes on.  Our favourites were when older couples came in, dressed their Sunday bests for an evening out.  Always the cutest to see a couple that has lasted that long, you know. . . until you found out they were brother and sister, not married.

Much much more than the elderly couples, however, were the 'hot men'.  Asses hangin outta the pants like mad plumber's crack,  bellies spilling over like crazy with NO tee to tuck it in or overalls to hold it up, and the craziest hats/facial hair/ expressions you've ever seen.  Sometimes there needed be no words from staff to staff but a subtle look from one to the other across the restaurant and a slight smile or hint of the eyes.  All waitresses out there know what I'm talking about.  Sometimes, after they'd left, we'd whisper at my Keno table for giggle's sake, "Did you see the mouth on that one?! Like he was coming at me to take a bite!"

But the particular incident disclosed here today is the one that goes in our memory banks as the sight of the history. 

I believe it was a day during the week; was a Wednesday or Thursday because of how slow it was.  It was during the summer- I remember the stuffiness of the place and us all wishing and hoping we didn't have to work because the sun was shining and we knew the lake would be divine.  There were only a couple tables in the whole restaurant and I was cleaning my Keno counter when all of a sudden Jules jumps over to me,  "Come quick! Come quick! There's a hottie outside! SERIOUSLY you're going to miss him!"  Without another moment's notice, I spring from behind my counter and speed-walk to where she is leading me.  "THERE! On the corner! I saw him pass our window and I had to show you!"

I look on the corner and immediately got the attack of laughter that had to be hushed in the establishment.  Ever notice how things are always funniest when you have to keep quiet?  Out on the sidewalk,  waiting at the stoplight (our workplace, on the corner)  was an older looking lanky fella with no shirt, hand high on one hip, newspaper in the other, squinting into the sun with, in contrast to his lanky arms and legs, a beer-belly that seeped over his -and get this- cut-off short shorts.  We just about died that day.  I will never get this image out of my head. 

As you can tell, the 'hot men' we were interested in lookin for were the ones you find on, oh, say... People of Walmart. You know the site and it's never pretty. 

Whoever you were, if you have a computer, or ever look at things on the internet, this story was for you and just know that you made our day.

The Asian

Well, we've been dating for a while now, and I decided it's finally time for an Asian story. He cracks me up... not because he means to. Really.  He's just Asian... as he possibly can be, all Americanized and such. Whatever. On to the story.

Pretty much when I get to see the Asian is on his weekends; Mondays and Tuesdays.  Usually all that consists of is watching movies, playing video games on rare occasion, watching youtube... you know. Hangin out and stuff.  Until the Asian is unleashed in public... now THAT is some funny shit. 

So this past particular Tuesday,  we went out for a walk.  I like my sunlight and get cabin fever easily, he hisses at it.  You can only imagine how long these walks do not last.  We're walkin to the bank to deposit money which is just halfway across town from the college, no big.  Wind is mild- rare for Wyoming- and little Asian bastard is running us into traffic, kicking in windshields, you know, what other Asians do on their free time.

It's a joke, you can laugh now.

We're coming close to the bank, about a block away and there's a HUGE mailbox. "You can fit packages in that mailbox!" He said.  " I know!"  Because, dude. It was true. This was an OVERLY over-sized mailbox. (Remember this mailbox here in a minute) We walk into the bank.

As I'm waiting for a teller, he goes to sit on one of the big comfy couches at said bank.  I watch him sit, and proceed to talk to himself and/or the couch... it went something a little like this.

"What is that in my back?" Looks behind him.
"Oh, wow that's a cushion! That's a nice cushion."  Fluffs the cushion.
"Very nice." Looks at it thoughtfully, then slams his back very hard on it.
"Hm." He raises his eyebrows with satisfaction. 

I burst out laughing and that was when I realized I'm dating the guy that turns into the old guy that comments on everything in the store.  You know?  That guy that everyone thinks is a creeper because he's really nice and fraternizes with the lawn and gardening section?  THAT guy. 

I told him I was watching him, and what a creeper he was.  He just smiled.  Then proceeded to tell me about how he wants to make this giant mailbox (we're walking past it again) but with some modifications.  He wants to be an old guy with a giant mailbox that has the opening like a bear trap.  Then the mailman can set the mail on what he thinks is the trigger to this bear trap but be relieved to find out that it's not really going to chop his arm off. 

Then keeps going on with his futuristic story menacingly about how it would actually be a bear trap so no one would steal his mail. "No one wants to steal your mail, paranoid!" I jokingly spat at him.  "It's a felony, you know! What if some kids, as a joke, tried to take my mail?"  He laughed to himself, "It'd be funny. The next day you'd see some five year old dangling from my mailbox.  That'll teach him."  He chuckles to himself.  I laugh hysterically.  Who the fuck says that shit?


SO that's just one of many stories of the Asian.  Many more to come. Happy reading, everyone!